Doubting your Partner? Here's How to Catch a Cheating Woman

Why Don’t Women Cheat on Men Constantly?

Women considering cheating with menWomen like sex, and sex is freely available to women. So, why aren’t women indulging in it constantly, cheating on guys right, left, and center?
I have seen this question posed several times in the comment section over the past year:

With sex with men so readily available to women, why don’t women cheat on men constantly?

The question seems to be, “What is holding them back?”

After all, sex feels good!

It takes a while for women to really get in the swing of things. Most girls like sex when they first start having it, but haven’t learned to really have the time of their lives with it yet.

As women age, their reservations about sex drop, they get more in touch with their bodies, and they have a lover or two who trains them how to really enjoy having sex, they begin to really love it. For some girls this happens sooner than others – you’ll meet some girls who are total sex addicts in their teenage years, and others who at 30 are only just starting to understand their bodies.

But, generally speaking, by the time a girl’s around her mid-to-late 20s, assuming she hasn’t led a totally sheltered life (or an extremely strict serially monogamous one where her only two boyfriends weren’t especially remarkable in bed), she’s really learned to love having sex.

Even if she’s younger than that though, she still LIKES sex a whole lot (and MIGHT love it!) and it still feels good… not to mention that sex is extremely validating (“Wow, I CAN get this guy!”).

So why aren’t girls just out there all the time, getting run through by a new guy every night?

Sex Isn’t Really About Sex
First off, sex isn’t actually about sex.

Sex is really about reproduction.

Not everybody WILL reproduce, but the reason we HAVE sex and the reason it evolved is to do so. All the logic around sex generally flows from the logic of reproduction.

Sex feels really good because if sex doesn’t feel really good, organisms don’t have sex, thus organisms don’t make babies, thus those organisms that don’t really like sex die out.

There’s a lot more to reproduction than just “make babies, all the time, with anyone who’s available” though. Organisms need to be selective about their mates – and the more resources an organism must put into producing and rearing offspring, the more selective it must be (i.e., women are generally going to be more selective than men, due to 9 months of pregnancy + 18 years of child-rearing where the woman does 80%+ of the work).

It’s true, we have contraception now. Guys wear condoms and girls are on the pill.

But sometimes guys don’t wear the condom. Sometimes guys put the condom on, then take it off midway through. Sometimes girls forget to take the pill… Or sometimes they didn’t really forget; they CHOSE not to.

Sometimes, too, there are genuine accidents: the guy thought he put the condom on but he didn’t, or it fell off, or it broke. The pill didn’t work for whatever reason (or she grabbed the wrong pill).

tells you she’s pregnantStep #1: don’t panic.
Even aside from that, well, people are not logical robots. People make decisions with emotions first; they construct logic in service of their emotions later. In studies of people who suffer injuries to the parts of their brains that govern emotional responses, yet leave the logic centers of their brains unaffected, the victims are able to reason perfectly rationally about everything, but cannot make a single decision, even to get up and brush their teeth in the morning, or which pen to pick up to write a letter with. Decision making is emotional.

Even with modern contraceptives, and modern sex positive culture, and a modern “everything goes” society, and so on, and so forth, we are still chained to hundreds of millions of years of evolved and optimized sexual decision-making.

And that evolved, optimized sexual decision-making says, “The more parental investment reproduction requires of you, the more cautious of mating and careful with your mate choices you must be.”

For women, the brunt of parental investment falls on them:

They must grow the child in their wombs for 9 months

They will be unable to work for at least part of that period

They will be shut out from reproducing with any other man during that period

Then after birth they will almost certainly be rearing the child themselves

They will continue to rear that child for the next 18 years

They will do at least 80% of the rearing of the child on average

Plus, there is a LARGE difference in what that child is going to be like depending on who the father is.

If she gets knocked up by a tall, intelligent, good-looking, funny, cool, ambitious man, she is going to have a very different child than if it is a short, stupid, ugly, unfunny, crude, lazy man who does the knocking up.

Sure, half that kid will be her either way… but the other half is going to be whoever melds his sperm with her egg.

Reputation & Status Costs
Women compete RUTHLESSLY and usually indirectly for sexual status.

They will encourage each other to indulge in sexual escapades that they wouldn’t be caught dead in themselves. They will tell their girlfriends there is nothing wrong with what the girlfriend is doing, even as the girlfriend makes herself look terrible. They will encourage other women to be fat (telling them they look ‘majestic’ – the same word used for whales) or to cut their hair short or get horrible tattoos.

Only if a girl really cares about another girl will she try to dissuade her from something that will harm her sexual status. The rest of the time, women are ‘smiling competitors’: they act friendly even as they seek to undermine one another. There’s a reason female friendships rarely last very long; this brutal, Machiavellian ‘friendly’, ‘empowering’ undermining is a big part of the reason why.

What are these statuses and reputations women try to maintain in themselves while encouraging their competitors to eschew? They include such things as:

Not being seen as slutty/loose/easy

Not being seen as psycho/nuts/crazy

Not being seen as unfaithful/unreliable/non-commitment-worthy

That last one is the one most relevant for us today… because what happens when a woman is a known cheat? Men reduce investment in her.

 

The Male-Female Investment Formula
We can roughly boil male investment in females down to a formula like so:

Male Investment = Female Attractiveness x Female Commitment-worthiness

So:

A girl of 10 attractiveness and 10 commitment-worthiness gets 100 male investment

A girl of 7 attractiveness and 8 commitment-worthiness gets 56 male investment

A girl of 5 attractiveness and 5 commitment-worthiness gets 25 male investment

Unattractive girls can actually compensate for their unattractiveness by being better, more loyal mates. A girl who’s just a 5 in attractiveness can earn 50 in male investment if she’s a 10 in commitment-worthiness.

An example of that is the girl who is homely but extremely warm, generous, loyal, and loving, who cooks a good meal, and stands by her man unwaveringly. There are men all over men’s sites online singing the praises of such girls, claiming pride at having wives like this, encouraging young men to seek such girls as their brides too. She is a 5 in attractiveness but a 10 in commitment-worthiness.

woman working in kitchen She might be pretty average attractiveness-wise, but if she’s highly commitment-worthy, many men will be happy with her.
By the same coin, a girl who is very attractive but not commitment-worthy at all will get very little male investment. A girl who’s a 10 in attractiveness but a 2 in commitment-worthiness only gets a 20 in male investment. If she’s a 0 in commitment-worthiness no men will invest in her at all.

An example of this is the super-hot drunk druggie chick who is constantly a mess, constantly dating and breaking up with loser guys, cheating on them, going back to her drug dealer, willing to pimp herself out for drug money, who has zero domestic skills, whose womb by now may well be barren due to all the substances she’s pumped into herself, who has tons of health issues and a strong self-destructive streak, leading to horrific acrimonious splits with her partners. She is a 10 in attractiveness but a 0 in commitment-worthiness.

woman passed out drunk after partyingIf this is her every other night, not infrequently after a quick bathroom shag or other one-night stand with some random guy she just met that night (or maybe one of those guys who’s always around her), she is not a girl any but the most desperate of guys will want to commit to, no matter how attractive she is.
Of course, women with low scores are saved by how subjective these ratings are. The girl who’s a 4 for most guys will still be very attractive to a few men. And the girl who’s a 0 in commitment-worthiness in general will tend to obfuscate her lack of commitment worthiness, and a handful of poor schmucks who don’t know women will believe her and think she’s a 7 or an 8 (looking at you, Marcus Aurelius).

But fooling people is a lot harder than simply not being the thing you don’t want to be seen as – it is, quite simply, much easier for a woman to NOT be someone men wouldn’t want to commit to than it is for her to have to trick some guy into thinking she IS commitment-worthy even though everybody and his brother knows (from personal experience) that she isn’t.

The Opportunity Costs of Lots of Cheating
Picture if you will a girl named Sally Smith.

Sally is a sweet, good-looking girl. She has a wonderful boyfriend named Sam who adores her. It looks like they’re on the road to marriage, babies, and a white picket fence, and Sally is thrilled.

There’s just one problem: Sally likes sex. A lot! And like anyone, she’s curious about what it’d be like with other people.

Now, Sam’s no slouch in the bedroom, and their relationship is good. So she doesn’t need it – she just wants it.

What would be the cost to Sally to indulge in a whole lotta infidelity?

Well, there are several costs, and none of them are insignificant:

She will lose Sam. Sooner or later he’s bound to find out. Even if he forgives her the first time – heck, even the second – if it keeps happening he is going to have enough, pack his bags, and ask for his engagement ring back.

She will develop a reputation of ‘not for long-term’. As more men shag her behind Sam’s back and more women hear about it, everyone in Sally’s circles will start to figure out that Sally is the girl you shag for fun while she is dating someone else, not for committing to yourself. It will get harder and harder for Sally to find a man willing to invest resources in her long-term, as guys figure out those resources will end up squandered.

She will be forced to devote resources to hiding. The more she cheats, the harder she must work to hide that side of herself to get devotion. She needs to hide it from Sam. She needs to hide it from her friends. Yet the more she cheats, the harder this gets. If it all blows up, Sam leaves her, and everyone finds out, she now has to work to hide it from new men she dates after Sam. She may have to avoid bringing a new man around people who know her, lest they tip him off. She may need to construct a web of lies about her past to tell him – then remember all the details to keep her story consistent when he asks her about it another time. This is no small matter… doing all this is very costly, in terms of planning, strategizing, stress, etc.

She will likely be stuck raising children alone. If she gets pregnant – by Sam or someone else – the odds the guy sticks around are not high. First, he may not be willing to believe it’s his. Second, it may turn out to not actually BE his – women engaged in affairs are significantly more likely to be impregnated by their affair partners than they are their committed ones. And any subsequent men who impregnate her after Sam leaves, knowing her history (or at least some of it) are going to tend not to want to stick around either. Whether she receives those child support checks or not, whether her baby daddies pull a vanishing act or not, it’s going to be tough.

single mother tiredIt’s tough doing the single mother thing.
She puts herself at risk of jealous violence. Sam most likely is a peaceful guy with more to live for besides Sally, and when he finds out she’s been cheating on him constantly, rather than fly into a violent rage he is probably going to wince in disgust, shake his head at how foolish he’d been with ignoring all the signs, and walk out on her, never to return. But… there’s a chance Sam’s the very jealous type. There’s a chance he’s already depressed and at the end of his rope when he finds this out, and it’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. There’s a chance Sam is so enamored with Sally he can’t imagine a life without her and the discovery throws him into complete despair. The revelation of her rampant infidelity may just cause him to erupt in terrible, possibly deadly, violence. Some men are extremely possessive; some men have violent tempers. If they feel betrayed, it puts a woman at legitimate risk.

There are many very HIGH opportunity costs for women cheating on their committed partners.

This is probably why when you DO see cheating, it is much more likely to occur at the tail-end of a relationship, as the girl is already on her way out… OR with girls who are nymphos (who tend to value sex higher and commitment lower than most women) and/or have such total control over their guys they don’t have to worry about getting questioned. It is also a lot more likely to happen far from home, where the odds of her infidelity reaching the eyes or ears of those who know her are almost nil.

 

How Valuable Is Something Ubiquitous and Free?
Here’s one other thing it’s critical to understand about women vs. men:

It is difficult for men to find desirable women who will have sex with them.

But it is difficult for women to find desirable men who will commit to them.

Sex is easy and cheap for women to get.

It might as well grow on trees.

A girl can step outside, flash some skin, and have a crowd of men around her drooling for a piece in no time.

How greatly do you think women value that cheap, readily available sex?

Well, how much do you value ANYTHING that is cheap and readily available?

Not a whole lot at all.

That’s why a big part of the focus of Girls Chase is on getting girls chasing… because if you are just walking up to her offering yourself to her like any guy, then guess what?

You are just another cheap, valueless guy – one of the many; and she doesn’t care.

woman surrounded by menThey all want her; they are all making it easier for her. And… she isn’t interested in any of them.
You might be surprised to hear it, but many famous musicians have publicly stated that after a while they grew tired of shagging female groupies and stopped altogether. Some of them need to nail a few hundred or even a few thousand before they reach that point, but for some a few dozen is all it takes for them to grow tired of it.

I have known quite a few very sexually successful men who went celibate in their later 30s or 40s. After running through hundreds of girls, having a lot of fun with it, they decided it was all kind of boring and stopped having sex more or less altogether.

Even for men – though you may have trouble believing it if you haven’t reached that point yourself – once it gets too easy, too predictable, too much of a shoe-in, the appeal drains away.

Well, it is even EASIER, MORE predictable, and MORE of a shoe-in for women.

Even if you’re nailing groupies or you’re a master pick up artist, you still need to deal with tests, resistance, sometimes last minute resistance, to get the lay.

Girls don’t have to deal with any of this with guys. Guys aren’t testing them, resisting them, or throwing up LMR. If she wants it, he is raring to go!

I have multiple times had women I hooked up with complain to me how hard it is to find a guy to have sex with.

These have sometimes been women I pulled from nightclubs, where they were completely surrounded by men. To an uninitiated guy, the woman’s words would sound nonsensical, but they’re not:

She doesn’t consider all those random desperate men who’d go to bed with her at the drop of a hat as sexual options AT ALL. They are so easy, so predictable, so much of a shoe-in that she doesn’t even see them as sexual possibilities. Finding that attractive guy who likes her but makes it fun and a challenge, all while NOT screwing it up, is a rare enough even that it’s special for her.

Even if a woman wanted to cheat constantly, and found a way to avoid all the opportunity costs that came with it, she would still have a difficult time finding men she wanted to cheat with.

Conclusion
Depending on the study, around 3-8% of American women cheat on their committed partners (for American men it’s generally 7-15%). So it does happen. But it is a minority.

Some women are nymphomaniacs who do actually cheat constantly. Sometimes they have totally clueless partners who have them so high up on a pedestal they refuse to believe what their eyes and ears (not to mention other people) are telling them. Sometimes they have a guy who likes being cuckolded and encourages it. Sometimes they are in open relationships. However, these women are rare.

Most cheating that occurs is women on vacations, women on their ways out of a failing relationship, women who are long-distance (see: failing relationship), or women who are drunk/drugged and partying. Usually these are one-time or infrequent events – they don’t happen “constantly.”

(and, given what this site is, I always get questions about, “Well what if she meets a super skilled seducer?” In any given city there are only a handful of seducers skilled enough to consistently pick up attached women who AREN’T actively cruising to / open to cheat. The odds a girl meets such a super smooth, highly skilled seducer are tiny. For all practical purposes, if she’s cheating, it’s because she intends to, not because she just keeps meeting super seducers who know all the right buttons to push – there just aren’t that many highly skilled seducers around)

The opportunity cost for infidelity is, frankly, pretty high for most women.

Infidelity is a threat to a woman’s committed relationship, as well as her reputation/status, which influences her ability to secure new committed relationships. If she is already on her way out, then it can help speed things up or force the committed partner to step up his game if he wants to save things. If she isn’t on her way out though, she risks getting herself booted out into the cold for little gain. And here’s the thing: there’s no guarantee she’ll be able to replace her committed guy any time soon. Women spend a TON of time lamenting about the difficulty of finding good men willing to commit. There’s a strong disincentive there to throw that out for a little side dick.

All that said… cheating does happen, and it can (given the right situation) happen with any woman. Some women are a lot more prone to it than others; but no woman is absolutely completely immune.

If you’re worried about being cheated on by women, make sure to read my article on the subject.

how to prevent cheatingCan you stop it entirely? More or less, if you understand why it happens.
But the long and short of it is:

She doesn’t cheat constantly because she values the cheap and easy sex she can get too low, vs. all the other risks she’d take on (babies, violence, etc.) and things she’d have to give up (status, boyfriend/husband, future boyfriends/husbands, etc.) to enjoy it.

Unless of course she is a nympho. In which case, the calculus is all quite different!

Cheers,

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